#KeepingUpWithTheKanhais is hard to do, especially with the recent transitions that have gone on in our lives. So, consider this The State of The Union of Jay Rome (my husband) and me, #MrsJayRome.
If you are following me on Social Media, @LaDolceDeeDee, then it comes to you as no surprise that I am keeping myself busy. From Writers Workshops to NYFW, Shopping Dates, Parties, Football Games, Traveling and even some relaxing nights at home with my new Hookah. If you aren’t following me, what are you waiting for…
A little background on “us” aka The Union. We met in May of 2000, 19 years ago. We have lived together since the weekend we met, officially only married on paper for 14 years but we never look at it that way. The paper marriage was a formality so we could make sure we all shared the same last name when our daughter, Chloe, went off to kindergarten. In our eyes, we were married at the moment we met. That’s what it feels like when souls connect.
We have never had a “conventional” relationship, at least in other peoples eyes. I have heard time and time again from friends and family alike that we are “weird” for taking separate vacations. That it is “sketchy” that we don’t ask the standard questions of one another, like “Where are you going? Who are you with? When are you coming home? What are you doing? How do you know so-and-so?”. I know it confuses people when they invite me to weddings or parties and I show up solo or with my sister as my PLUS 1. We always go places in separate cars, because we never want to be forced to stay longer or leave earlier than each of us wants. We’ve spent Holiday’s in different countries and rarely exchange gifts for birthdays and anniversaries, instead, we tell each other “if you see something, buy it, from me”.
There is no “perfect relationship”, but for me – this works perfectly.
Sure, we had some pretty basic guidelines:
1. Keep our child healthy, happy and thriving. We both agreed that the decisions we made in our lives directly affected her, so we did our best to make choices that would benefit her or at least – never hurt her. We agreed to be the best co-parents we could by always discussing things and never overriding the decisions of the other. We stood together as a united front when we needed to and it wasn’t always easy.
2. We agreed to never discuss MONEY in front of Chloe. This was a RULE my husband was adamant about! He thinks that money issues are “adult issues” and even discussing how much I spent on groceries in front of our child was in poor taste. Any argument we have ever had about money has been behind closed doors and without her knowing. This had some repercussions because she never thought twice about asking for things that weren’t within our means. Even when it came to college, I was told to not put limits on her, which seemed extremely unreasonable – but thankfully she ended up picking a school that was practical.
3. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Don’t talk poorly about each other to our child or in front of her, no matter how bad things got. When there were tensions and conflicts at home, we always cohabitated, ate meals together and no matter what, we were ALWAYS a FAMILY UNIT. “The Trinity” as we call it. We are both very affectionate to each other, not just through words – but actions. I am sure he doesn’t want the world to know but, I am the recipient of all the hugs, kisses, “I love you’s” that Chloe could possibly stand to witness.
Those three guidelines were the big ones.
So, here we are a month in, living as “Husband and Wife” and not so much “Mom and Dad” and it has certainly been an adjustment period. Chloe was home for a few hours, once, but the rest of the time it has been just the two of us and Prince (our dog).
The fact that Chloe is adjusting so well makes life a whole lot easier on our end. However, I have to say that the concern I have gotten from the outside world is a lot more intense than I ever expected. I have been on the receiving end of messages and calls asking me questions like “how does Rome feel about you going out?” and “what does your husband say about the clothes you’re wearing?” so I figured, why not today, why not here and WHY NOT NOW to put everyone’s concerns to rest.
WE. ARE. GOOD. Actually, GREAT.
I get it, watching this play out on Social Media seems like I have lost my GD MIND! I am posting stories, snaps, photos, and boomerangs and it seems he is missing in action from all of them but really if you know “know” me, I have never been one to post photos of us. I look at my marriage as the most sacred and intimate part of my life. Once you open the window into the inner-workings of your marriage, you are inviting all kinds of energy.
I always use this example, have you ever bought a lottery ticket and the jackpot is huge? I am talking the big ones, over $500 Million Dollar Jackpot and you are standing there with this little paper in your hand that potentially is worth HALF A BILLION DOLLARS? It’s like, this one little ticket has the potential to change the trajectory of your life. Let’s not stop there, it can change your life, your families lives and the people you know and love. Generational life change, right? But, it is so fragile that a gust of wind can blow it right out of your hand. A spark of a lighter can destroy it, the sun can fade it the rain can deteriorate it. Then, that night, Yolanda Vega comes on and starts reading out the numbers… One – by – one, your numbers are called. In your hand is the lone winning ticket. What do you do?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Are you going to go on Instagram Live and tell everyone you know that you’re in your home, sitting there, with a $500 Million Dollar winning lottery ticket? Will you snap it? Make a boomerang of you jumping up and down?
I know what I always say… I’m not telling a single soul until this check is signed, cashed and the money is deposited into my account. Even THEN, I will be very selective about who I share what with because I don’t want to invite chaos into my life.
Now, we aren’t talking about a lottery ticket or money, we are talking about someone you share a deep human bond with. Someone who isn’t blood-related, but made a conscious decision to come into your life and stay there. For all the wonderful, special and intimate moments we share, they are ours and just like that piece of paper – it could be gone in a second. WE are the most valuable thing I have. The time and energy I have put into my marriage cannot compare to anything else I have ever worked for in my life. No, I will not be putting that on display for anyone to judge, monitor, pick apart, fantasize about or wish ill towards. Never really have, can’t see that changing anytime soon.
I will let you know that my husband is and has always been my biggest supporter. He has cheered me on from the sidelines for 20 years. When I told him that people were worried that I was showing too much skin, he told me “GO HARDER NEXT TIME”. It is true, “There is nothing SEXIER than a CONFIDENT woman”, and he has reminded me of this time and time again.
We didn’t last 19 really good years by chance, it was and still IS work. It is compromising on things I would rather not, it’s being flexible about stuff that I would typically stand firm on, and it is always being supportive of things that I may not even understand but I trust that he is making choices in OUR best interest.
Rome said something to me a few weeks ago and it really made me feel like every single sacrifice I made was worth it… “I couldn’t have picked a better mother for Chloe, wife for me, or role-model for our family. You gave up everything until you literally had nothing left to give, it didn’t go unnoticed. So, if that means you want to go out and catch up on missed time, go. This freedom was earned and if anyone deserves it – it’s you.”
I took it to heart and I am doing exactly that. So, this blog is dedicated to him, for knowing me better than anyone and accepting me as I am, even as it evolves.
I love you.
D & J FOREVER!
(Chloe close your eyes, mom and dad are gonna kiss now!)