(Mission: Feed My Family)
Fear Is A Liar.
Let me make this clear. I don’t have fear of flying, I actually enjoy getting on a plane and landing somewhere far, far away! I am not scared of too much really, but to be honest, after the initial excitement was wearing off I began to get nervous. Mostly about my the distance from my family for such a long period of time. I suffer from anxiety and have never been away from them (collectively) for more than a week. Even then, it is those two “gallivants” going places without me. So, I am still able to continue with my normal routine, see everyone at work everyday, eat real home cooked food, sleep in my own bed and cuddle with my puppy. This is the absolute first time that I will be packing up and leaving home alone, for more then 3 days.
What am I worried about? I have an (almost) 15 year old daughter who is semi-self-sufficient. I have a responsible husband who can hold down the fort, right? But, here is where I worry… Lets be real – all 3 of them if you include the dog have it made! By no means am I complaining either, I enjoy being a laundry mistress, chef, housekeeper, UBER Driver for the Basketball team, etc… These are all jobs I do on a daily basis that make my life “normal” so what happens when that comes to a screeching HALT on the 28th? Will my daughter have a ride home from practice? Will my husband have a hot meal? Will my dog get the proper amount of “lubbins and scrubbins”? THIS is what HAUNTS me!
I have to keep reminding myself that this is part of the reason this trip is so important to me. I need to learn to ALLOW my family to do things for themselves. I don’t know if my husband knows how to turn on the stovetop because I have never given him the chance. Who knows if Chloe can arrange to get places without me? The anxiety of leaving these 3 has me all in a tizzy! Do they know where the grocery store is for FOOD? I know, it sounds pretty sad but this is what I do, I am a caretaker by nature! (THANKS MA!) And guess what, I am sure they will figure it all out and they are probably GLAD to get a 11 DAYS OFF from Grass Fed Beef Stew with Organic Veggies! Pizza every night? Oh the anxiety! It’ll be a gluten free for all!
I remember having a conversation with my late Uncle Jim, he was nearing the end of his life and it was the critical point when he would decide if he should continue to be treated for his chronic illnesses or if he would surrender his body to run it’s course. Imagine that? Knowing you are picking life or death. When he finally did decide that his pain was so severe that he could no longer endure it, I admired him so much. He held it together from what I saw and seemed at peace with his decision. He was a few days away from stopping all his medications and I decided I wanted to go see him for a second time that day. I knew that a voice I had heard every single day of my life would soon go silent. The gentle love that only he could provide would be no longer and I needed to get every opportunity to enjoy him as possible. I also knew he had to be scared. Was this his greatest fear? I arrived at his nursing home, pulled up a chair beside him and began to talk. He struggled to talk but always acknowledged what I was saying with a nod, a grunt or a smile. Finally, when I had nothing left to possibly talk about I just leaned over laying my head gently onto his chest. Looking up at him I whispered, “Are you scared?” and he began to cry. It was then I realized what real fear was.
I reflect on that day and the days after when I begin to second guess myself. I remind myself that fear is probably MY worst enemy and I don’t even know REAL FEAR. When faced with physical fear, you confront it or flee from it. Unfortunately, when you face emotional fear, there is no easy escape. Of course, I am a work in progress, but that is why this is my UNDOING. I have been working on undoing a lifetime of a behavior that doesn’t serve me. Everyday I am closer and closer to overcoming my “fears” because I acknowledge them and I put in the work to overcome them.
So, as I enjoy the rest of my day and remember that I am in great hands, MY OWN, I will take a moment to meditate and use a mantra to help overcome my fears and worries and trust that they will be fine and so will I!
My mantra for today is: Feel the fear, then let it pass.